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Special Forces

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 12:55:42 +0000

As I`e said before the office where I sit and work each day is situated in the middle of all the NATO NMR (National Military Representatives) offices. Specifically I`m in between Denmark and Romania, but the most direct route to my office is to walk past Spain, France, Slovenia, Luxembourg and Belgium. Its very common to see military personnel from all nations going in and out of each of these offices. Perhaps I`d already had too much coffee, or simply not woken up enough yet, but the other day walking past the Belgian NMR I`m absolutely convinced that I saw Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Lets face it - thats pretty much all you`d need.An

I took at quite detour past the US NMR the other day to see if Rambo had come along for a visit.

Narnia and the Vicious Snow Leopard.

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 15:01:56 +0000

There is a saying where I work, ‘the only way to be fired from here is to actually kill someone’, usually followed by much laughter. A few months ago this statement was a bit like Narnia to me, something I`ve never had to think about, but the way things are currently going on my project its become a bit more like Afghanistan - its somewhere I might actually have to go one day.

Yes things have been extremely hectic pretty much since I got back from California in December. It hasn’t stopped me having a top Christmas, New Year and birthday in the mean time however, even if some people thought it would be funny to ask if they could bring their ’snow leopard’ to my New Years party.

Confused … me too, let me explain a bit.

A couple of weeks before New Year I had an email from one of my guests who would be attending the big bash. It was all fairly normal stuff, should we bring bedding? is there a space to park? Where do you actually live? etc etc

Then the very last line in the email:

‘P.S. One last question: is it okay if my snow leopard Milou joins us? He�s only small.’

Of course this was enough for me to choke on the coffee I was drinking at the time. I mean seriously??? Why do people put a P.S in an email? Is it so hard to use the arrow keys to go back up a few lines and add a bit more text? Pet hate of mine obviously.

Then it really dawned on me ….. a snow leopard!

A little confused, I searched for images of a snow leopard in google … and this friendly character showed up:

Then I did a quick read up of snow leopards in wikipedia ….. then sent the following email back….

‘On to your pet wild cat? Can I just ask how big exactly this thing is? Do you have any pictures? I`m just a little concerned because I looked at the wikipedia page for a snow leopard and here are a few select phrases:

‘Snow leopards are carnivores and actively hunt their prey.’
‘They are capable of killing animals three times their size ‘
‘direct conflict with humans’
‘Snow leopards prefer to ambush prey from above and can leap as far as 14 meters’

Its difficult to express all the emotions I`m feeling with words alone, so I`ll leave it with this ….. Are you actually serious?’

The answer I received was only 2 lines … mercifully one of those was not a P.S.

‘You didn’t answer the question about bedding’
and
‘Milou is certainly a carnivore and can be quite aggressive (he has a difficult relationship with ‘boyfriend’)’

Then silence.

Until they arrived for the party.

Along with Milou…. who was every bit as terrifying as I feared:

Dont let the smile fool you - he is a born killer.

No hangover this Christmas

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 20:35:09 +0000

Every single Christmas starts the same way for me..

…. with a Hangover.

Every year on Christmas Eve my parents go to the midnight Church service, while I go next door ….. to the pub ….. just like Jesus would have wanted. The main problem here is that I only come back home once a year and so have a lot of catching up to do with the locals …. which just leads to much drinking and hence the Christmas day hangover. I never mean to do it, it just sort of happens.

This year will be different.

Because I`ve spent the whole of Christmas eve lying in bed ill.

Being bi-directionally ill to be exact.

The only thing I`ve dared to eat today was a bowl of chicken and vegetable soup, mainly because it looks exactly the same when it comes back out.

I`m starting to feel a little better now though and hope to have made a full recovery in time for tomorrow morning which means I can look forward to the same argument I have every year with my mum, when she tries to put brussels sprouts - or as I call them The Devils hemorrhoids on my plate hidden inside the mash.

But at least this year wont start with a hangover …..

… probably.

Happy Christmas!!!

Super Beer

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 16:04:16 +0000

Before I get going I need to make a note to remind myself to always remember to get changed out of my gym kit before walking home here in Belgium. The other day I finished my (amazing) workout, shouted abuse at some of the weeds in the gym, donned my long overcoat and started to walk home. The thing is the weather has started to turn pretty nasty here in Belgium and there was a strong wind outside. Basically this resulted in me walking home wearing shorts and a long overcoat, which, unfortunately for me resulted in me looking like either a flasher or a transvestite, much to the amusement of pretty much everyone who drove past me on the, thankfully, short walk home.

The next day I made sure to change into my work clothes before stepping outdoors.

Other things I`ve been up to, besides travelling back to Aberdeen to give another lecture at the university there, and spending 2 weeks in California, I`ve been immersing myself more and more into the Belgian culture. Of course by Belgian culture I mean drinking beer. The Belgians, as I have said before, take their beer extremely seriously. There are something like 850 ‘normal’ beers here, and each and every one comes with its own branded glass. Serving someone a beer in the wrong glass is almost unforgivable, which is why I`ve made the most of my local supermarket selling those glasses this past week, by buying up something close to 15 different kinds of beer glass. No doubt someone will still turn up wanting a beer for which I don’t have the correct glass, in which case they`ll just have to drink it from the bottle. The thing is that on my last trip to the shop to buy glasses I noticed they had a beer which I`d not had before. Gordon’s finest Platinum. I`m told that the Belgians have a special category for only a select few of their beers, and this particular type was classified as a ‘Super Beer’. Wow. Coming from the Belgians that must be something special. So now I have a bottle of it sitting in my collection, ready for Christmas.

I`ll let you know how it is then.

But as its 12% alc vol there is a good chance I won`t remember.

I want to go to Slovenia!

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 10:05:53 +0000

Before I start let me just tell you this short true story of something that happened at work yesterday. A few of us are organising a return trip to Champagne next week so we can stock up on bubbly for new year. The task of phoning up the champagne house fell to a choice between myself and my Polish colleague as we are the only 2 of us in the group who speak French. The conversation between Lucas and myself went thus:

me - “I`ll phone up, its not difficult to ask if they are open new Wednesday and what the opening hours are, I`ll deal with this”

Lucas - already dialing the number “No no I will do, I speak much superior French to you".

The call starts

Lucas - “Bonjour, bonjour …… do you speak English?”

Awesome.

Anyway today with what I was really going to talk about. I work in an office totally surrounded by all the separate NMRs (National Military Representatives) for every nation in NATO. In fact my office is situated right in between Denmark and Romania ….. making me ….. Poland? Anyway, the point is that I meet people from dozens of different nations every day. A couple of weeks ago I was chatting to the NMR rep from Slovenia, a country, that prior to this meeting had caused me to conjure up mental images of Borat. To cut a long story short I ended up agreeing to go to her house to fix her computer which would not connect to the internet.

I thought it would take 5 minutes.

It actually took nearly 3 hours.

But a few days after that the lady showed up in my office with a gift for me, which turned out to be a very nice Slovenian home made cake:

It was delicious. She also handed me, as well as the cake, a holiday brochure for Slovenia.

I flipped open the brochure at some random page and I have to say that I fully intend to go to Slovenia at the next available opportunity:

Naked women covered in mud - thats a sentence which is sure to get my blog blocked by some ISPs.

Anyhow, I was showing this to my boss who has worked for NATO for the past 20 years and never visited Slovenia.

He flies there this Sunday for a week long ‘meeting’.

I cannot wait for my turn!