This from Mavis Beacon, my writing teacher...
Sorry baby, but this one stinks. OK, you've made your point - you don't like tabloid
journalism, especially The Sun, so you take the piss a couple of times. But you gotta
realise when to stop. This formula's way past its sell-by. And Bret Easton Ellis you
certainly ain't. If you gonna write maggots, you gotta have a jar of the fuckers right in
front of your pretty li'l face.
magnificat interjects - But I didn't write the maggots...
Mavis - But you thought about them din you? There in magnificat's
bedsores...a seething mass of maggots...
magnificat - How did you know that???
Mavis - I made you what you are, honey. Don't ever forget it. And that
Easton Ellis. He was a student of mine you know - oh yes. He did great with the maggots -
and so could you, but with something else. You're suffering from what we in the writing
biz call....
magnificat - yes???
Mavis - cowardice, baby. If you gonna write horror, then write good
horror. Don't lapse into self-parody half way down. Instant Whip - Chow Mein...sucks,
honey. And what was that in the pots anyway? If it was piss then say piss. Don't beat
about the bush. If you can't cut the mustard, then keep out the fucking kitchen. Oh -
another thing - if you can't write a fuck, and I agree it's not easy, then don't even
start it. "Continued tomorrow" - the very idea! That's not what I expect from a
student of mine.
magnificat, dejectedly - OK, ma'am. So what should I do now. Give up?
Mavis - Haven't you spent all your life giving up? To get anywhere
decent, you gotta show a little guts sometime. Face it honey, you've not got forever left.
What about Greaser and Stella? You started that great, then chickened out, just like I
thought you would. Or - perish the thought - try one of those ditties in your list up
above. Some great topics there. But cut the "SHOCKS" - they're so
formulaic and cliche-ridden the readers could practically write them themselves.
magnificat, excited now - Mave!! You've just given me one helluva good
idea! Now - if x stands for a missing letter....
