magnificat closure shock!!
A NATION GRIEVES
By our Showbiz reporter, Kirsty Wark
"Oh yeah - I had it all, baby," magnificat
confessed. "Fast cars, girls, drink, drugs - you name it, I had it - but I'll get
it back soon, you just wait and fucking see."
Speaking from the
rat-infested crack house the former star now calls home, magnificat poured out his heart
exclusively to the SUN.
"People think it's easy being a writer, you know,"
he said, drinking from a small blue and silver can. "But it isn't. It's fucking
hard work. Take those swans. Do you have any idea how many hours I spent watching the
fuckers, thinking about their lives, while I ate my sandwiches and drank Pepsi Max?"
He shook his head,
dismissively. "Soon the Pepsi Max wasn't strong enough, and I moved onto Red Bull Stimulant Drink, with caffeine and Taurine. And now look
at me!" he said, waving at the gaunt and rusted hospital drip-stands beside his
filthy bed.
"Diamorphine hydrochloride " the first one said. "Keep away from children." Next to it was a similar stand
with the words, "Amphetamine sulphate. Keep away from
teenagers."
"They're for
my nerves," he explained. "Got bad nerves, you know."
I peeped under the spit- and shit-encrusted bed to see a selection of
half-read books amongst the fly-infested pizza boxes and fish supper wrappers...Upanishads ....Operation Julie....Rig veda....Tax Dodges for Drug
Barons.... There were a couple of Chow Mein Flavour Pot Noodle pots, each half full
of what looked suspiciously like you know what. It was revolting.
So was there any truth in the rumour that the magnificat home page
was closing?
"Well - yeah,
baby. Got sick of it. I'm thinking of returning to the Guardian. If that fat crackhead
Burchill can get a whole page, then I'm sure they'll take me in with open arms. Or maybe
I'll go back to teaching," he laughed, belching sulphurously.
At that a white-haired, wraith-like figure floated in, carrying a
huge hypodermic in a metal tray.
"Testosterone
time, Sir," the creature croaked.
"Yeah, sure
baby. Give it to me, give it to me," the star whispered, saliva leaking from the
corner of his fat and greasy lips. He pulled up his cavernous shirt exposing the massive
corpulent belly, while the manservant plunged the needle deep into his adipose excess.
"I need it for my sex drive," he told me, as a red
flush crept over his exposed torso, up his neck, finally completely covering his face and
shaved head. "Makes me real horny!" he murmured, seductively now. "YOU
WANNA EAT MEAT, BABY? YOU WANNA BE MY MAIN BITCH!!???"
Fuck me! He really meant it! I was gobsmacked, I can tell you! There
I was with my notepad and pearls, and here facing me this was mound of human wreckage,
these remains of a once immense intellect! But why not? Why not at least consider
the offer this demented creature was making ? What did I have to lose, after all? My mind
was whirling and my fanny gushing, I can tell you!
I thought - briefly
only - of my bachelor girl flat in Newington, clean - immaculate even - but yet lonely,
sterile - barren. Here right in front of me was the offer of excitements I'd only ever dreamed
about - here with this repulsive yet fascinating man...the very essence of
depravity incarnate!
Well - what would
YOU have done??? Don't GIVE me that shit!
Instantly whipping off my tailored and fitted Marks and Spencer twin
set, I yanked back the filthy bedcovers and grabbed for magnificat's enormous leaking
love-pole. Oh my God!!
"OH, FUCK!!!!! I screamed.
Continued tomorrow, only in your Super Soaraway
Sun! The paper with FREE BUNNY BINGO!!!
Help! I keep trying to stop, but I can't! Send
somebody!
magnificat
