Spring 1999

The office is snowed under with queries about the Leith swan family.
        The situation is that Darren and Deirdre are still together, although there was a rocky patch at the end of 98 caused by Darren's drinking. Now however, he's sworn off the booze, and has taken up yoga and daily meditation instead.
        Deirdre's pleased about him giving up the bevvy, but she has been heard to mutter that he's "not such fun anymore".

The 5 remaining youngsters are now almost adult, with only a couple of dark feathers betraying their youth. This rather rapid maturing does however raise slightly uncomfortable questions about this year's mating arrangements.
        Will Darren remain true to his first love Deirdre, or will he in some schemey-type, viagara-fuelled lust, mate with one of his daughters? Or all of his daughters? Or all of them and Deirdre too?

"But swans mate for life!" claimed Bill in the Port. This is nonsense. It's been said before about other birds, and has proved about as realistic as the Vanessa show. When it comes to the crunch, when the lights go out, heterosexuals are every bit as promiscuous and incestuous as the next man.

(Incidentally, we should explain to the less acute reader that the bit about viagara was a joke. Despite the quasi-eponymous modifier, cock birds do not in fact posses a cock - which is why they're such a washout at gay saunas.) Look up the word cloaca in any good dictionary.

Leith is currently beseiged by armies of Ornithologists and Avian Social Workers, all rubbing shoulders in the Port o Leith bar. Liam Rudden is also occasionally to be spotted between gigs, hoping to steal another swan-scoop from our pages.